Breaking the Cycle: How Early Patterns Shape the Lovers and Leaders We Choose

It was a beautiful summer day, but I couldn't really enjoy it, as much as I tried to convince myself that I was loving it. I was sitting in my car, on my way to town, alone again. My husband and I woke up and while looking at the sunny blue sky I suggested to go out that day—but he said they just didn't feel like it, I hadn't announced it early enough, and he wanted to stay home. Again. This wasn't the first time he had declined an initiative or suggestion with a variety of reasons why not. In fact, it had become a pattern—one that left me feeling confused, disappointed, lonely, bored, hurt. I kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal, that I was being too demanding and it made sense he wanted to rest. He wasn't yelling or calling me names. He was just unavailable.

As I sat there later in town, watching seemingly happy couples stroll by enjoying the simple moments of life, something clicked. This wasn't about me being too sensitive. This was about me trying to convince myself that breadcrumbs of affection were enough, that I didn't deserve more and this was just what my relationship was like - accommodating and honoring the quirks of my husband. Throughout my life I had been so conditioned to seek approval and avoid conflict that I had been blind to the subtle ways he was draining me emotionally. And it wasn't just my husband. As I reflected, I saw this pattern playing out in my job, my friendships, and family relationships. I had been so focused on pleasing others and maintaining "peace", bending over backwards, that I had lost key pieces of myself in the process. The bubbly, carefree, life-loving version of myself was not visible anymore but was buried in that dark living room where the sun didn't shine.

Have you ever wondered why, even though the people in your life seem good people on the surface, you can still feel emotionally drained when spending time with them? Maybe it’s your partner who you love, or your boss who seems supportive. But somehow, you’re left feeling like you’re giving too much. You might even feel guilty about it and think you're not appreciative enough and a bad person for even thinking it. You tell yourself, “I’m doing this because I care” but deep down, it feels like something is off. This can feel especially confusing. You follow the rules, you try to keep the peace, and you avoid conflict because that’s just who you are. But why do you end up feeling exhausted and under appreciated? Why do you feel guilty when you'd like to make choices for yourself?

Lovers and Leaders

We’re used to hearing about toxic people in extreme terms. Popular psychology loves to talk about the loud, arrogant narcissist, the manipulative boss, or the cruel partner. And while those people exist, more covert toxicity is much harder to spot. You might not think the people around you are toxic because they don’t fit that stereotype. But just because someone isn’t shouting at you or playing obvious power games doesn’t mean they aren’t crossing your boundaries in quieter, more subtle ways.

Lovers

Maybe your partner isn’t gaslighting you in an obvious way, but every time you express how you feel, they say things like, “Yeh yeh, you’re overreacting again” or, “You’re always so sensitive and have something to complain about.” They’re not yelling or calling you names, but they’re making you question your own emotions, leaving you doubting whether your feelings are valid? Or are you crazy?

Maybe your partner frequently asks you to prioritize spending time with them over your hobbies or social plans, framing it as a gesture of love. They might say, “I just miss you when you’re gone” or “I thought you’d want to spend more time with me instead of always being out.” At first, it feels like they simply care about you and want to be close, but over time, you start to notice that you’re giving up things that are important to you. What began as a loving request gradually turns into subtle manipulation, where you feel guilty for pursuing your own interests and are made to feel selfish for wanting some time apart.

Leader

Maybe your boss isn’t outright stealing credit for your work, but they never give you clear feedback, keeping you on edge. You might hear things like, “I just think you could’ve done more in the time I gave you” or, “I’m not sure this is quite up to our standard” but without specifics. You’re left second-guessing yourself, constantly wondering if you’re doing enough or if your efforts are falling short, even when you’ve worked hard.

Another scenario could be that you cross your manager in the office after you’ve just successfully completed a major project that took weeks of hard work. They give you a smile and say, “Really happy for you, wasn’t sure if you’d sink or swim with this one.” At first, you smile and feel proud and relieved—finally, some recognition. But as the words sink in, you realize they’ve planted a seed of doubt. Instead of celebrating your success, they’ve made you question whether they ever believed in you at all. Which in turn might make you wonder if you're not good enough.

Or maybe your boss doesn't transparently communicate, keeps things vague and secretive, often cancels meetings or ignores your emails, asking you to come to the office early knowing you'd need to arrange yourself differently for child care but then not showing up for the meeting themselves. They might say, “I’ve just been so busy.” The lack of communication leaves you feeling uncertain and unsupported, constantly having to chase after them to get things done.

In all these cases, it’s not the classic toxic behavior we’ve been trained to spot, but the result is the same: you feel drained, uncertain, and like you’re more or less often walking on eggshells pleasing anyone else instead of listening to what your body tells you you need; they might wear you down slowly, leaving you feeling depleted without ever understanding why.

Covert Manipulators: The Hidden Tyrants in Your Life

There's a chance that your chosen lovers and leaders do portray these toxic traits that are less visible. I call these the Hidden Tyrants—covert narcissists who aren’t visibly toxic, but who manage to control or drain you in subtle ways. These people might not seem bad on the surface. In fact, they might come across as caring, vulnerable or even shy. But behind the scenes, they’re using subtle tactics to keep you where they need you—whether it’s guilt, emotional manipulation, or passive-aggressive comments that leave you questioning your own worth.

These Hidden Tyrants can be especially tricky because they don’t act like the classic narcissists or manipulators we’ve been warned about. They’re often charming, thoughtful, or even self-deprecating, but they’re experts at making you feel like you need to do more, give more, and sacrifice more—without ever saying it outright. And yes, this may leave you feel under appreciated, always giving, and living a life of pleasing others.

How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Your Reactions

So, why do we end up choosing lovers and leaders who subtly undermine us or leave us feeling emotionally drained? A lot of it comes down to how we were raised. Their behavior feels familiar to our parents' style of engaging with us. If you grew up in an environment where love, attention, or approval were conditional—meaning you had to act a certain way to receive them—you’re more likely to fall into relationships where you feel like you have to earn affection or respect.

If you grew up in an environment where you had to please others to feel accepted, or where conflict wasn’t safe, you probably learned to avoid setting boundaries. Even if you’re with someone who isn’t openly controlling or who may not be super toxic, you might feel the need to please them at your own expense as that was the way to get love from your parents.

This happens because we carry the emotional conditioning from our childhood into our adult relationships. If you grew up needing to earn love or approval by being good, you’re likely to carry that pattern into your life now—whether it’s with a partner, a boss, or even a friend. You might find yourself reacting to certain behaviors in the same way you did when you were younger, even if the people in your life aren’t exactly like the people from your past.

For example:

• When your boss calls, you drop everything, even if you’re busy. Why? Because deep down, you’ve been conditioned to seek approval and avoid disappointing those in authority.

• When your partner suggests doing something that pushes your boundaries, like going to a social event you said you'd rather skip as you are exhausted, you hesitate but eventually say yes. Why? Because as a child, expressing your needs led to conflict or emotional withdrawal from a parent. You learned early on that it was safer to go along with things, even if it meant crossing your own boundaries.

• Your partner often suggests that you should dress differently saying things like, “You’d look so much better if you wore this” or, “Why don’t you try styling your hair like this, it would suit you more.” They make it sound like they know what’s best for you, insisting that their preferences are for your benefit. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, you go along with it because you don’t want to upset them or start an argument.

• When your manager asks if you can take on another project, even though you’re already overwhelmed, you immediately say yes. Why? Because growing up, you learned that saying no often led to disappointment or rejection. Deep down, you’ve been conditioned to believe your value comes from how much you do for others.

• When your friend texts you, asking for help—again—you drop everything to assist, even if you don’t have the time or energy. Why? Because in childhood, you learned that being needed was the only way to keep relationships intact. You fear that if you say no, they’ll stop coming to you, just like a parent or sibling might have withdrawn if you didn’t meet their expectations.

  
  

These reactions aren’t necessarily only about the people you’re dealing with—they’re about the patterns you learned when you were younger to survive, and still use today even though it doesn't serve you anymore as an adult.

A single occurrence of boundary-pushing or emotional strain isn’t necessarily a sign of a toxic person. We all make mistakes and misread situations from time to time. It’s when these behaviors happen repeatedly, across many scenarios, that they become red flags indicating a pattern of covert manipulation or toxicity. Consistent boundary violations are a much stronger indicator than isolated incidents.

Why We Fall for These Hidden Tyrants

This is where your attachment style comes into play, which is deeply influenced by your early childhood experiences, including Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).

Conditional Love

If you experienced emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or even outright trauma as a child, these ACEs shape how you perceive relationships as an adult. In these environments, love and approval weren’t freely given. Instead, they were something you had to earn by being good, compliant, or pleasing to others. You might have learned early on that showing emotions, conflict or setting boundaries wasn’t safe, or that if you didn’t constantly please those around you, love and attention would be withheld.

These early emotional wounds can make you more vulnerable to them as an adult. These are the people who seem caring on the surface but subtly control or drain you. Because you were trained from a young age to prioritize others' needs and avoid conflict to keep the peace, it becomes second nature to fall into relationships where your boundaries are quietly pushed, all in the name of love or approval.

Let’s break down the attachment styles that often form from these early experiences and how they play out in your adult Lovers and Leaders relationships:

• Anxious Attachment: Craving Reassurance

  • If you developed an anxious attachment style, you probably crave constant reassurance and fear being abandoned. As a child, you might have experienced inconsistent love—sometimes your caregivers were attentive, but other times they were distant or emotionally unavailable. This creates a deep sense of insecurity, where you’re always questioning whether you’re enough.

  • Lover: As an adult, this often leads you to relationships where you feel like you need to earn love or attention. You might fall for people who give you just enough to keep you hooked but pull back when it suits them. For example, a partner might show affection when it’s convenient for them but become distant when you need emotional support. Because this pattern feels familiar, you stick around, always trying harder to win back their attention, just like you did as a child.

  • Leader: In the workplace, this might show up with having chosen bosses who give you inconsistent feedback—sometimes praising you, other times leaving you unsure about your performance. This leaves you anxious, always seeking validation and never feeling like you’re doing enough. You won't leave, as you're not used to healthy appreciation as their behavior feels familiar.

• Avoidant Attachment: Fear of Intimacy

  • If you developed an avoidant attachment style, you likely grew up in an environment where emotional closeness wasn’t encouraged, or maybe it felt overwhelming. You learned to rely on yourself and avoid deep emotional connections because it felt safer. As a result, you might be drawn to partners or bosses who don’t ask much from you emotionally but also fail to provide the support you need.

  • Lover: You might end up in relationships with people who seem easygoing or independent, but the relationship lacks real emotional intimacy. This can make you feel alone even when you’re with someone because they’re not providing the closeness or emotional support you need.

  • Leader: At work, you might find yourself drawn to bosses who don’t micromanage, but they also don’t give you the feedback or support you need to grow. While this setup feels comfortable on the surface, it keeps you emotionally distant and unsupported.

• Disorganized Attachment: Chaos and Confusion

  • If you developed a disorganized attachment style, your childhood relationships may have been marked by both fear and comfort from the same caregivers. You might have experienced inconsistency, where sometimes your caregivers were nurturing, and other times they were neglectful or even abusive. This creates a confusing dynamic where you both seek out and fear intimacy, leading to relationships that feel chaotic.

  • Lover: As an adult, you might find yourself in relationships where the dynamic mirrors that unpredictability. One minute, your partner seems loving and supportive, and the next, they’re cold or distant, leaving you constantly off-balance. This push-pull dynamic is exhausting, but it feels normal because it’s what you grew up with.

  • Leader: At work, you might deal with bosses who are toxic and unpredictable—praising you one moment and criticizing you the next, leaving you in a constant state of anxiety and self-doubt. This chaos keeps you stuck, always trying to adjust to keep things stable, but never feeling secure. Again, you won't leave as it's just normal to you.

• Secure Attachment: A Healthier Approach

  • On the other hand, if you had a stable, nurturing environment growing up where your caregivers were consistently supportive and emotionally available, you likely developed a secure attachment style. People with secure attachment don’t feel the need to earn love or approval, and they are comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

  • Lover: In relationships, securely attached people are able to set healthy boundaries and express their needs without fear of rejection. They don’t fall for subtle manipulators because they’re used to receiving unconditional love and respect. They’re also more likely to walk away from relationships that don’t meet their needs, rather than staying out of guilt, fear or obligation.

  • Leader: In the workplace, those with secure attachment can handle constructive criticism without internalizing it as a personal failure, and they’re better equipped to maintain a healthy work-life balance. They don’t feel the pressure to constantly prove their worth because they know their value. They'll spot toxicity in a leader much earlier on and have no problems leaving the situation; knowing their worth.

How I Worked on Becoming Securely Attached

For me, breaking free from these patterns started with recognizing that my reactions weren’t serving me anymore. I realized that I was saying yes to things that crossed my boundaries—not because I had to, but because I was conditioned to avoid conflict and seek approval. It felt awful at first trying to not say yes. Once I started noticing this, I began setting small boundaries, even though it felt uncomfortable.

In my job, I stopped answering calls and emails immediately when I was in the middle of something important, and stopped saying "yes" to any project thrown at me so I could "prove my worth and maybe finally someone would see my qualities". With my partner, I started voicing my needs instead of brushing them aside. Little by little, I took back control of my time, energy, and emotional space.

Boundaries: You're in Charge to Break Free

The good news is, you can break the pattern by setting clear boundaries. The bad news is, only you can do it. You can change yourself, but not the world around you. Setting boundaries will be illuminating! Toxic people won’t accept your boundaries, but healthier people will—giving you clarity on who (/what) you’re really dealing with. This clarity will then give you the freedom to make more empowered choices—whether that’s setting firmer boundaries, stepping away from the relationship, or shifting how much emotional labor you’re willing to take on.

• When Your Boss Calls, instead of immediately dropping everything, take a moment to assess if you really have to pick up. Politely let them know by text “I’m in the middle of something important, but I can call you back in 20 minutes or let me know what time works best for you.” This way, you’re setting a boundary without being dismissive, allowing you to manage your tasks more effectively. By prioritizing your work instead of rushing to seek approval, you’ll start to break the pattern of always putting authority first. -> The same goes for a romantic partner.

• When Your Partner Pushes Your Boundaries suggesting going to a social event that you’d rather skip because you’re exhausted, practice standing firm. You can say something like, “I appreciate the invite, but I’m really tired and need to rest. How about we plan something fun for tomorrow instead?” This lets them know you value the relationship but also need to honor your own boundaries. It helps you stop defaulting to a “yes” that compromises your well-being. -> The same goes for work events in your free time.

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• When Your Partner Suggests Changing Your Appearance, you can respond by acknowledging their opinion but asserting your own preferences. For example, say, “I appreciate your thoughts, but I’m comfortable with how I look and feel confident this way.” This way, you’re politely asserting your boundary while still acknowledging their perspective. It shifts the dynamic from pleasing them to respecting your own choices.

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• When Your Manager Asks for Extra Help to take on another project, even though you’re already overwhelmed, instead of immediately saying yes, try responding with something like, “I’d love to help, but I’m currently working on X and Y. Can we discuss how to prioritize these tasks, or would it be possible to delay the new project?” This response communicates your willingness to help but also sets a boundary about your capacity, breaking the cycle of overcommitting to gain approval. -> The same goes for house projects during the weekend or evenings with your family.

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• When Your Friend Asks for Help and you don’t have the energy, try saying, “I really care about you, but I’m not able to help right now. Let’s find a time when I can be more available.” This allows you to show support while maintaining your boundaries. You’ll start to challenge the pattern of sacrificing your needs out of fear that the relationship will crumble if you say no. -> The same goes for your family and partner.

How You Can Break the Cycle

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these patterns, and wonder "OK now what?". The first step is awareness. Once you start seeing how these dynamics play out, you can begin making changes.

Here’s how:

1. Spot the Subtle Manipulation

Pay attention to how people make you feel. Your body will tell you if you want to get closer to them or want to run away. Do they make you feel like you’re never doing enough, even if they’re not saying it outright? Do they guilt-trip you or make you feel "too sensitive"? These are signs of covert manipulation.

2. Understand Your Own Patterns

Take time to reflect on how you’ve been reacting. Are you saying yes to things that don’t feel right just to keep the peace? Are you putting others’ needs above your own to avoid conflict or disapproval?

3. Set Small Boundaries

Start with small steps. Maybe it’s not answering that email right away, or saying no to a request that crosses your boundaries. These small changes add up and give you the confidence to set bigger boundaries over time.

4. Do the Inner Work

Sometimes, breaking free from these patterns requires deeper work. Therapy or coaching can help you uncover why you’re reacting the way you are and give you tools to change it.

5. Choose Differently

When faced with a new relationship or job, pause and ask yourself: “Am I choosing this because it’s good for me, or because it feels familiar?” Familiar isn’t always healthy, especially when it comes to toxic patterns.

Reclaim Your Spark

You don’t have to keep giving more than you get in your relationships. Once you see the patterns and start setting boundaries, you can take back your spark and create relationships that actually nourish you, rather than drain you!