Receiving Genuine Care After Surviving an Abusive Relationship

You never truly know what genuine care or love feels like until someone shows up for you without making you feel like a burden. It might be something simple, like someone offering to hold your hair when you’re sick and asking, “Can I get you anything?” After years of being treated as though your needs were “too much,” experiencing genuine care can feel almost magical. But for many, this kind of love is unfamiliar, especially after living in relationships shaped by emotional neglect or abuse.

Experiencing Selfless Care After Abuse

In many relationships, particularly with people who are emotionally unavailable or manipulative, acts of care may have felt transactional or dismissive. Let’s look at a case where real love and care suddenly felt unsettling for someone who had never experienced it in their previous relationship.

Consider Lara, who had always been conditioned to handle things alone. One day, she became sick and immediately thought about hiding her discomfort—not consciously, and not because she didn't want care, but because she was trained to do so and it became an ingrained behavior. She almost didn’t mention it to her new partner, expecting that it would annoy him. In her healing journey she learned that she needed to be vulnerable and tried it, though hesitant.

Instead of ignoring her or making her feel like a burden, her new partner offered to care for her. “Can I help you with something? Can I hold your hair? Would you like some water? How can I make you feel better?” At first, she couldn’t believe it—her body froze, and her mind struggled to accept this kind of attention. She had spent years dealing with criticism or indifference whenever she showed vulnerability, so receiving genuine care felt overwhelming and foreign. Very different to the "Clean up the toilet before you get out!" that she was used to.

The Effects of Trauma

Trauma leaves lasting imprints on how we perceive love and care. It doesn’t just affect the mind—it lives in the body. Many people find it difficult to accept genuine kindness after years of having their needs dismissed or belittled. Trauma often teaches us that expressing vulnerability or needing help will lead to criticism or rejection. Over time, this leads to the development of self-reliance, even in situations where receiving help is a basic need and not a nice empathetic gesture. It’s like your body has been trained to expect the worst, so when someone offers real care, you don’t know how to accept it.

Case Study: The Impact of Covert Narcissism during Illness

Covert narcissism, often displayed by what we refer to as Hidden Tyrants in my Model of Toxic Behavior, can be particularly damaging. This type of narcissism is subtle and deceptive. Hidden Tyrants avoid vulnerability, using gaslighting, breadcrumbing, or emotional withholding to maintain control over their partner. Let's look at a few examples from case studies of people who lived through this during illness:

1. Small Illness: James had a partner who was a covert narcissist. When James became ill, instead of receiving support, his partner would say things like, “You’re being dramatic, it’s all in your head,” making him doubt whether he was truly sick or just exaggerating. This lack of empathy made James question his own reality.

   • More dangerously, he stopped sharing it when he felt sick, ending up even ignoring his own symptoms when he became more seriously ill and walked around with an untreated potentially dangerous illness for years.

2. Allergic Reaction: Jasmine experienced a moment where she needed help, after a minor car accident left her with swollen lips and blurry vision from the medication's side effects. When she asked her partner to drive her to the pharmacy to get some antihistamine, he responded with, “It’s only a five-minute drive, you’ll survive.” It wasn’t about the drive—it was the fact that even when she genuinely needed help, she was made to feel like she was asking for too much. She drove there alone, crying and feeling alone; afterwards happy that she indeed survived.

   • More dangerously, this led to her becoming very conscious of any bodily sign and evaluating whether or not it was serious enough to ask for help— which ultimately led to a form of health OCD, but afraid to speak up about it.

3. Surgery Recovery: In another case, a woman had just undergone surgery and could barely stand. When she asked her partner to move the car closer to the hospital exit, he refused, indicating "she had managed walking through the hospital to get to the exit, so why not walk to the car?". She ended up walking across the parking lot in tears, feeling alone and unsupported, and confused as he asked her "Are you OK?".

   • More dangerously, this experience left her feeling that he had a point as she indeed walked through the hospital. It gave her a fake sense of being "a strong woman". However, sadly, this experience trained her mind, body and soul that she couldn’t rely on anyone, not even in moments of vulnerability.

In all of these cases, the abuse victims were made to feel that their needs were too much—that they should handle everything on their own with. Over time, this kind of treatment alters a person's perception and creates deep emotional wounds that make it difficult to trust and accept care, even in future relationships.

Tactics Used: The Role of Breadcrumbing, Gaslighting, and Emotional Withholding

In relationships with Hidden Tyrants, these embodied responses are often triggered by manipulative tactics like breadcrumbing, gaslighting, and emotional withholding.

• Breadcrumbing is when the abuser offers inconsistent acts of care or affection, just enough to keep the victim emotionally engaged, but never enough to meet their actual needs. Over time, this leaves the victim emotionally starved and constantly questioning whether they are asking for too much.

• Gaslighting, on the other hand, involves manipulating the victim’s perception of reality, making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings. Victims might be told that their emotions are invalid or that they are being "too dramatic," further deepening their internalized belief that their needs are excessive or irrational.

• Emotional withholding is a particularly damaging form of manipulation where the abuser deliberately or subconsciously withholds affection, attention, or emotional support to maintain control. By denying emotional closeness, the abuser reinforces the victim’s feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment, leaving them constantly striving for validation that never comes. The victim begins to feel that they are not worthy of love or support unless they meet impossible standards or completely suppress their own needs.

These tactics—breadcrumbing, gaslighting, and emotional withholding—reinforce the trauma responses, keeping the victim in a constant state of emotional distress and confusion. This makes it incredibly difficult to break free from the toxic cycle, as the victim is left doubting their own reality and deeply internalizing the belief that their needs are too much to ask for.

The Invisible Scars

Trauma leaves invisible scars. These scars can make you shrink yourself, convincing you that your needs are excessive and unimportant. People who have been in emotionally neglectful or abusive relationships often learn to stop asking for help, believing it’s easier to handle things alone than risk being rejected. This self-reliance, while a survival mechanism, can be difficult to unlearn.

Case Study: Unlearning the Trauma Response

Take Claire, for example. After leaving a long-term emotionally abusive relationship, she found herself in a new, healthier one. One night, while lying in bed with her new partner, she noticed the curtains were open and needed to be closed. Instead of asking him to close them lying next to them, she got up and did it herself.

When her partner asked, “Why didn’t you just ask me to do it?” Claire realized that it hadn’t even crossed her mind to ask for help. After years of having her needs dismissed, it felt more familiar and therefore safer to handle things on her own. This is a common experience for people who have endured toxic relationships—asking for help feels risky because it opens the door to potential criticism and/or disappointment.

Trauma teaches the body to stay in “self-preservation mode,” even when there is no longer any threat. As Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, “When you’re being ignored or rejected in the relationships that matter most, your brain interprets it as a life threat.” Even when you’ve moved on from a toxic relationship, your nervous system can remain stuck in old patterns, unable to fully trust the safety of your new, healthier relationships.

Case Study: The Burden of Independence

Lisa found herself in another similar situation after leaving an emotionally neglectful relationship. She had been so conditioned to handle everything alone that she struggled to accept help even when it was genuinely offered.

On a flight with her new partner, Lisa automatically lifted her heavy luggage into the overhead compartment without even thinking to ask for help. Her partner offered, but she had already done it herself. For years, asking for help had felt dangerous to Lisa—her previous partner met any request with impatience or annoyance. Even though her new partner was supportive, Lisa's body defaulted to handling things on her own because it felt safer. And more dangerously; to justify this behavior for herself, Lisa started feeling proud of being so independent—yes, she even started judging others as "weak" for asking help from their partners. You can only imagine the journey she had to go through to heal from this, coming from that far.

As van der Kolk writes, “One of the hardest things for traumatized people is to accept how good relationships feel.” For Lisa, asking for help felt too risky, even in a loving relationship. It took time for her to reprogram her reactions and allow herself to trust that help wouldn’t be met with judgment.

Case Study: James and the Burden of Perfection

James shared his experience of hypervigilance after surviving a relationship with a covert narcissist. His partner constantly picked apart his actions, making him feel useless and inadequate. Small mistakes, like being late or not responding quickly enough to a text, were met with anger or passive-aggressive comments. Over time, James became anxious, always striving to be perfect in order to avoid conflict.

In his new relationship, James found himself apologizing for things that didn’t matter. His new partner reassured him, “You don’t need to justify yourself or be perfect with me.” But after years of conditional love, James struggled to believe it. He had internalized the belief that love required perfection.

As Gabor Maté explains that when love is conditional, it teaches us to view ourselves as flawed and in constant need of fixing. With his new partner’s support, James slowly began to trust that love doesn’t require constant vigilance or perfection.

Porter's 4F Survival Responses and Their Role in Trauma

In understanding the deep impacts of trauma, it’s essential to mention Porter’s 4F survival responses. In the case studies of trauma survivors, the survival responses—Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn (4F)—manifest in distinct ways as coping mechanisms, shaped by the individuals' experiences in emotionally neglectful or abusive relationships. These responses are automatic and internalized (but can be rewired), designed to protect the individual from emotional harm, but can lead to patterns that are difficult to break, even after the toxic relationship has ended.

• Fight: In some cases, individuals may initially react to emotional abuse or neglect by attempting to confront or assert control over the situation, as a way to protect themselves. However, in prolonged abusive dynamics, like those involving Hidden Tyrants, victims often suppress this instinct to avoid further harm. For example, James might have wanted to stand up to his covertly narcissistic partner’s constant criticism but feared confrontation would lead to more emotional abuse or withdrawal of affection. As a result, his fight response became repressed, and he stopped standing up for himself, focusing instead on self-blame and striving for perfection.

• Flight: The flight response is characterized by emotional or physical distancing from the abuser. Lisa, for instance, might have coped with her partner’s dismissiveness by emotionally withdrawing from the relationship. Instead of confronting her partner about the lack of support, she may have learned to pull away, creating emotional distance to avoid further disappointment. However, despite her emotional withdrawal, the fear of rejection or guilt likely kept her tied to the relationship, unable to fully disengage. This is common in people who, even after leaving an abusive relationship, struggle to cut all ties due to the lingering impact of trauma.

• Freeze: Lara's case is a clear example of the freeze response. After years of emotional neglect, where her vulnerability was met with criticism or dismissal, Lara’s body became conditioned to freeze when faced with genuine care. When her new partner showed compassion and offered to help, Lara froze—her mind and body unable to process the kindness. The freeze response left her emotionally paralyzed, as her past experiences had trained her to expect rejection whenever she showed weakness or asked for support. This feeling of being trapped, unable to accept or even recognize love, is a common outcome for trauma survivors who have lived in environments where their needs were consistently unmet.

• Fawn: The fawn response, seen in victims of emotional abuse, involves appeasing the abuser to avoid conflict or rejection. James, in his relationship with a covert narcissist, likely exhibited this response. To avoid further criticism, he would have gone out of his way to be perfect, constantly seeking his partner’s approval. This over-compliance—striving to be “good enough”—is a common pattern in those who fawn. They believe that if they can meet every expectation, they will finally receive the love and validation they crave. Unfortunately, this response often leads to further emotional exhaustion, as the abuser continues to manipulate and control, never providing the unconditional care that the victim is seeking.

  
  

These 4F responses—whether it’s freezing in moments of care like Lara, emotionally distancing like Lisa, or trying to please the abuser like James—illustrate how trauma survivors develop complex coping mechanisms. These responses are protective in the moment but can become barriers to healing in future relationships.

Genuine Care vs. Unhealthy Care: The Subtle Differences

The difference between healthy and unhealthy care can be subtle but life-changing. In toxic relationships, care is often transactional or dismissive, with needs being treated as burdens. Let’s look at the contrast:

• Unhealthy Care: “You’re being dramatic; you’re fine.”

• Healthy Care: “I can see you’re struggling—how can I help?”

• Unhealthy Care: “I don’t have time for this. You can handle it yourself.”

• Healthy Care: “It’s okay. Take your time, and let me help you where I can.”

• Unhealthy Care: “Stop crying; it’s not a big deal.”

• Healthy Care: “It’s okay to cry. I’m here for you if you need to talk about it.”

Healing from toxic relationships requires recognizing these differences and slowly learning that it’s safe to trust and ask for help. Over time, you can unlearn the belief that your needs are a burden and begin to experience care without conditions.

In this article "Red Flags: Confront the Manipulator or Walk Away?" I go deeper into spotting these differences, and how to decide if it's time for you to step away from some of your relationships.

Healing from Trauma: A Long Journey

You might wonder; why did all these people not leave their partner? Well, the journey to healing from a toxic relationship is not linear, nor is it easy. Healing requires unlearning the patterns of self-reliance and protection like the 4F responses that trauma has embedded in your body. It’s about learning to trust others again, to believe that your needs matter, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable without fear of rejection.

Oftentimes, an abusive partner is not the first abusive relationship someone has. In this article "Breaking the Cycle: How Early Patterns Shape the Lovers and Leaders We Choose" I explore how unresolved trauma and learned behaviors from childhood can lead individuals to unconsciously choose partners or authority figures who reflect the dysfunction they experienced growing up. This cycle continues until the underlying emotional wounds are addressed, reinforcing relationships with toxic dynamics that feel familiar, even when harmful.

Bessel van der Kolk writes, “One of the hardest things for traumatized people is to accept how good relationships feel and how rewarding it is to feel connected to others.” Healing is about teaching your body that it’s safe to be cared for, that your needs are not a burden, and that love doesn’t have to hurt.

Navigating the Healing Journey

If you’ve come out of a toxic relationship and find it hard to trust or accept care, remember that healing takes time. Trauma isn’t something you just “get over”—it requires a conscious effort to rewire how your body responds to care. Here are some steps to get started:

• Recognize Your Patterns: Notice when you’re hesitant to ask for help or feel uneasy when someone shows you kindness. This awareness is the first step toward healing.

• Small Acts of Trust: Start small. Allow yourself to accept help in small ways, like letting someone carry your bag or accepting a gesture of care. Observe how your body reacts, and remind yourself that it’s safe to receive.

• Communicate Openly: Share your fears and triggers with your partner. Healthy relationships are built on open communication, and expressing vulnerability helps create trust.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Healing isn’t about being perfect—it’s about learning to live with your emotions as they come. Be kind to yourself, and acknowledge the progress you’re making, even if it feels slow.

Resources

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk: A foundational text on how trauma is stored in the body and mind, and practical methods for healing emotional and psychological wounds.

• In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté: Explores the deep connection between trauma, addiction, and emotional pain, offering powerful insights for understanding and healing from emotional neglect and abuse.

• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker: A guide to understanding Complex PTSD, including how trauma responses like the 4Fs impact adult relationships and behavior.

• Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody: An essential book on understanding codependence, how it originates in childhood trauma, and how it impacts adult relationships and self-esteem.

• Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody: Explores the dynamics of love addiction and love avoidance, rooted in early emotional wounds, and offers a path to healthier, more balanced relationships.

• Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb: A comprehensive guide to understanding Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), its invisible impact on adult life, and how to heal from growing up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or ignored.

• Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships with Your Partner, Your Parents & Your Children by Jonice Webb: Focuses on how CEN affects relationships and offers practical steps to repair and rebuild emotional connections with loved ones.

• My article Breaking the Cycle: How Early Patterns Shape the Lovers and Leaders We Choose